time to move on
by Irrwisch
Summary: Coda to 15x03 "The Rupture" After their talk, Castiel leaves the bunker - for good this time, and Dean doesn't even try to stop him. Just as well. While Castiel is walking down the road, he tries to remember how it came to be the way it is now - and decides that he didn't do anything wrong. He's always done the right thing, so he will keep doing the right thing.


"_We are."_

Castiel had wanted to make Dean believe; really believe that their choices – them – were their own. But he couldn't. Dean wouldn't have any of it. It used to be the other way around, years and years ago – Dean desperately trying to make Cass see the fault in God's "plan". And now it was Castiel who tried to convince Dean. Of course, he failed. He failed everything, even when he did everything right.

Maybe he was just someone easy to blame. Perhaps he's stuck around for too long and always returned, no matter what happened. Perhaps that had taught Dean he could do everything he wanted with the angel and still – still get to keep him. And he, stupid angel that he is, never called Dean on anything. If he'd just put his foot down years ago, then maybe...

Dean had seemed so happy when he returned from the Empty. He'd been so relieved, and Jack even told him he hadn't really seen Dean smile before. And Castiel thought it had been worth it. That, maybe, Dean valued him as much as he said he does.

But it hadn't been true. No matter Dean's words – _"You're our brother"_ – none of them were ever true. They've always just been about getting something, making Castiel compliant. And he'd fallen for it, time and time again.

There had been a time, long ago, where Dean refused to believe Castiel had done something bad – the one time that he did. He always thought that he must've done Dean wrong, that he would need to redeem himself to the man. But it hadn't been like that. Castiel had done everything right – he stopped the second apocalypse, and he did it all on his own. He apologised, and he meant it; and he saved them again and again – _he fixed what he broke_.

And still, for Dean, it would never be enough.

Castiel wasn't Sam.

And clearly, in Dean's eyes, that was the biggest mistake.

_Family don't end with blood._

Except when it does, and Castiel's never been family.

There hadn't been a right choice.

He killed Belphegor and prevented him from becoming a new God. That was wrong.

He let Belphegor do whatever he wanted and in turn, Rowena wouldn't have to die. In the long run, that would've been wrong too. He was sorry about Rowena. She had been his friend, too. Did Dean really believe he didn't care?

He was sorry about Mary, but he didn't kill her. He shouldn't have to take the blame. Castiel was pretty sure Dean didn't blame him for Crowley's death simply because he died two minutes later.

Jack was gone. And now, Castiel destroyed his body. He had to watch his son die twice, once at his own hands. And Dean didn't care. For all Castiel knew, Dean wanted him dead, as well. Hell, he already was in his eyes. He didn't do anything wrong. He didn't deserve this treatment; he didn't deserve to be some human's punching bag because they couldn't cope!

Maybe, all these times he believed he was wrong, he hadn't been.

What if that had just been Dean projecting?

He wondered when that started. When did Dean start to blame him for everything? Had it been before Purgatory? After Lucifer? Every so often, it had seemed like Dean truly, honestly cared. He had that look in his eyes; that look that meant he cared.

Castiel wasn't Sam, so these moments never lasted long.

What if his siblings had been right all along?

Dean Winchester would do nothing but corrupt him.

He hoped Sam would be alright. No matter the circumstances, it was still him who killed the witch. Castiel hoped that Sam would be able to forgive himself. After all, Dean wouldn't blame him. Dean would keep telling him that it was the only thing he could've done and that everything was Castiel's fault anyway – if Cass had just stuck to the plan...

He clenched his fist. No, Sam wouldn't blame him. He almost never did. It was Dean. It was always Dean. Dean Winchester, the Righteous Man. He didn't feel so righteous anymore. Dean had wanted to kill Jack, just because he lost his soul _to save them_. Jack wouldn't have burned up his soul so quickly if he hadn't had needed to save them from Michael. Yes, Jack killed Mary. Yes, that was unforgiveable. But Dean didn't even try to look for another way, see it from another point of view. Jack being soulless, only filled with Michael's grace, was a danger. Jack hadn't hurt anyone; and they _could_ have found a way to restore it somehow; or live with it like Donatello did.

Sam being soulless had been perfectly fine. Woe poor Sam and damn Castiel for not bringing Sam's soul back from hell. Not ever a "thanks for saving Sam, Cass", always just "why didn't you just do better, you useless angel?"

And now, Castiel had nothing. He started out with nothing, it seemed only fitting that he'd end up with nothing, too. Dean still had Sam. Team Free Will. What a hoax. It wasn't a team with just two people, and Dean lost all faith in free will anyway.

He kept walking. He'd end up somewhere eventually; and if he didn't, that was alright too. It's not like Dean would look for him – and while Sam might wonder, he wouldn't look for the angel without Dean's approval. If only Chuck would've been better. If Chuck would've restored Jack's soul, they could've dealt with it. It was all Chuck's fault, him and his stupid stories. This wasn't a story. This was real. No matter what Dean or Chuck want to make him believe; he _is_ real, his choices are real, and his life had meaning. _He_ made his choices, not some wanna-be writer up in the clouds, completely detached from reality.

Castiel did everything right.

And so, he would just keep on doing the right things – Dean's opinion didn't matter anymore. Let the human stew in his own self-pity, someone had to try and save the world. It might as well be him.

And if, at the end of the day, he'd still be just a monster in Dean's eyes, that's okay too.

"_I think it's time for me to move on."_


End file.
